To Sleep, Perchance to Dream.

To shake Dan out of bed I have a cup of fresh coffee and a hot breakfast ready and waiting for him. Waking up isn't an easy proposition for Dan. He is a Gulf War I Veteran. He was a Corpsman with a Fleet Marine Force Reconnaissance Unit. Expressions like, "seen some shit", "dicked up", and "PTSD" apply to Dan. More technical terms like Unspecified Dementia, fibromyalgia, neuromyopathy, and many more, also apply. Finding sleep is hard. Waking up can be hard, when you have a day of pain, confusion, and feeling used up ahead of you. That's where I come in. I manage the man, the moods, and the meds. It's a fine line we walk together.

Any Veteran's wife can tell you that you don't wake a Vet in close quarters. That's an excellent way to get an elbow to the face. They won't mean to. It's their training paired with PTSD and a startle response. Our girls know if they have to wake Dad, stand about three feet from the side of the bed, and progressively louder say his name until he wakes up. Do not touch him. Even by our usual morning standards, this morning was... odd.

Usually Dan is a tornado of sheets, covers, and pillows. This morning when I went in he was ramrod straight. A pillow down each side. I did my typical "Wake Up Honey" routine. Nothing. Not a twitch. Did it again. Still nothing. Hmmm... Now, normally this would be when you would go shake your husband's shoulder, give him a kiss on the cheek, pat his chest. Not I. Something told me that would be a bad idea. A very bad idea. Especially today. Instead, I turned off the fan in the room, gave one of the pillows next to him a little tug while talking to him- telling him breakfast was ready. Left the bedroom door open as I left, so the sounds and smells of the house would come into the room. Then I turned up the sound on the TV, a British cooking  show.

About five minutes later Dan came shuffling out the back hallway. Still hazy from sleep. He walked into the kitchen looking for me, for a hug. He had been stuck in a nightmare. He was a POW and his captors told him that, if he opened his eyes they would kill him. He was stuck in a nightmare where he couldn't wake up/open his eyes, and my trying to wake him, he could have mistaken me for them. Interestingly enough, Dan takes meds to block his dreams. It would seem one sneaked through.

I can tell you, I don't have Money. But what I do have, are a very particular set of skills. Skills I've acquired over a very long career. I am a Veteran's wife.